Inevitable

Published on October 28, 2005 By crimson In Blogging

I might have mentioned in my last blog how concerned I was about my family. And about the probability of coming down with it, too. With all of them coughing and hacking, I remembered the words of Agent Smith: 'This is the sound of inevitability'. So yeah, I'm sick, my throat hurts, and I am mighty bitter about everything right now.

If you were to meet me in real life, I'm sure you'd say what most people say about me. That I'm happy, that I always have time to make someone feel good about themselves, and that I'm always smiling. I rarely complain about anything in public, but in my deeper thoughts, I'm as black as night, baby. That's right, I can feel acidic hate boiling in my chest right now, creeping up my throat like a liquid napalm, ready to flame anyone who dares to confront me on any topic.

Maybe that's why I have such difficulties in expressing myself. I know that I can just as easily sprout out my frustrations and anger about everything in life, but I hold it all in, and let it simmer until it is poisonous and rank. I'd rather hold my tongue, and plaster a goofy grin on my face when someone casually asks me how I'm doing, than go nuclear in a second. Days like these, I'll bring anyone down, and show no mercy, truth. And I don't want to unleash the person who's straining inside of me. I am all to aware how easy it is to make enemies, to ruin friendships with blurted out, thoughtless responses.

I don't get around much anymore. I've lost that easy-going banter between friends. It's been some time that I've been around anyone who was once close to me. People move on, and while I understand all about that, I've yet to find replacements for them. So, those early morning coffee meetings that my little group of friends used to share to vent, to laugh, to discuss important topics has been replaced by nothing. Instead, I spend way too much time in my head, and even more time denying that there might be a problem because of this. I made a critical error and started nightshift again, but at least this time, it only took me a month to realize that it was even worse for me.

I'm a loner, baby, and I hate it. I'm sick of myself, and want something more.

Comments

So Many Questions

on Oct 28, 2005

You are like in my head. I hear ya and your blog hits a little too close to home.
When someone brings up something that you have been pissed off about for weeks, do you just laugh it off even though you've been rehearsing what you wish you could say to them for days... And you can't bring up a single painful or upsetting point about your life to people, even the closest people you know, without playing it off as though it doesn't bother you at all and so you laugh when you say it like you're about to tell a joke. And now you've started to wonder who to even go to and say these things to. And as it all boils inside of you, you cook up nothing else but more dislike, more sadness and more loneliness that pertains to nobody but you. And it's not one thing or a few things, it is (like you said), everything,absolutely everything.
I am also one of those people that is widely known as being fairly happy. People that have met me, and even those who know me "really well" would never guess that I so often want to go home just so I can sulk, or sometimes (too often) cry. And I could never admit it to anyone because I am too ashamed to hate this world and the way people are, for the most part. And who would truly listen anyways? I have this regretful hope that the person who will actually be able to help me will be able to know I feel this way without me having to tell him or her. It's not pleasant so far and I am trying to shed that hope, but it secretly won't budge.

All I can say is to write. I am all too often surprised by how much I am about to burst and then I get on my computer and just write away in a stream of consciousness, making no corrections and never deleting the entry and it all just hangs in a list in a word doc. Try it out. It's sad but sometimes the lack of response is better than the fake sympathy you get from people who don't actually care anyways.
(Or you could also write to me, I am willing to listen since It seems I know all too well what you are referring to).

KellyW0498

on Oct 29, 2005

Hey Nicky,

As so many questions and lw said, write. It is excellent advice.

I can't say that I do the same thing because for the most part I don't. I have the problem of when I get mad, it just all pours out and then I feel so refreshed, but like you said, even though I feel better, the people around me don't and I am sure I have alienated a few people because of my release.

What I try to do now is something physical. Anything, from running to punching a pillow. I know it sounds silly but it works.

I do hope you feel better soon being sick magnifies everything.

crimson

on Oct 30, 2005

All I can say is to write.

Thanks all, it definitely is the thing that saves me.

Dan Kaschel

on Nov 03, 2005

I know the feeling. I especially relate to the loss of banter. It's like when you hold tension in, you do it at a price; it gets harder and harder to let go and have a good time. Not that you ever really feel like having a good time anyway.

Take care,

Dan

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