I've been feeling blahhh lately. Take a cold, add new nightshift, lack of time spent with my girl and then sprinkle some neverending poverty and shake it all together with some oddly-occuring low self-esteem and you have a recipe for me.
It's odd, I'm not the most chipper person out there, but I get worried for myself when I'm blue like this. I suppose it's because I remember what it's like to be heavily deppressed, and all the signs are pointing in that direction again: messy house, not eating, insomnia and avoidance of friends.
I haven't listened to music for days, and can't even be bothered to pick up a book. And forget my writing schedule.
I've been spending more time at the university lately; maybe that's what's making me bitter. Realizing that I've spent thousands of dollars for a peice of paper that's gotten me nowhere but deeper in debt. And yes, there are jobs out there, but nothing seems secure enough than what I can count on right now.
Fuck. And I'm sick of just flittering around on the edges of social circles. I simply don't see people often enough to keep in the know, to get the in-jokes anymore, and to being on the recieving end of upcoming get-togethers. Everyone knows that I'll be working. Or childcare-less. By the time I get a block of time to go out and warm up to everyone again, I'm back to my hermit lifestyle.
And work. I'm on the verge again, because I hate this fucking obsessiveness with stats. Not high enough quality? Threaten me with an ISP(idividual success plan ie: probation), there's some incentive. Not fast enough? Spank me hard after sending disparaging emails. Sick as a dog? Yes, do spread it around and never get enough rest to get better. Need some help at work? Go ask another supervisor because I'm really busy here. Oh yes, and Government? Tax the hell out of me, please.
Vile, isn't it? The worst thing is, my job could be better. Yes, the customers I speak with on a daily basis have their issues, but the scenario here is that it's not the work that's getting me down, it's something that I can't put my finger on. Is it management style that's breaking me, or just the feeling that nobody gives a shit about it at all, from the top down?
It's all so negative, I'm sorry.