I've got a whole day of nothing.
I'm just doing some laundry, drinking some coffee and smoking rez-cigarettes. I've been trying to word out my current issues, but it's not going so well. Rather, my issues are the same as always, so what's the point of writing it out anyway? In no particular order, this is the lowdown:
1) I am currently estranged from my sister. I've gotten to the point where I am fucking sick of our relationship. UP, DOWN, repeat. I can feel the bitterness in the back of my throat just thinking about it all, and already am starting to close down. I quit. Game over.
2) I've been hanging out with my old 'buddy'. It's been weird, fun, and so bloody comfortable. I wouldn't go near him with a ten foot pole, because I 'know' better, but he's just so damned relaxing to be around. He's a fuckup, to be sure, but he's my fuckup... we've been friends, as he pointed out the other night, for over 8 1/2 years. We are now the oldest friends in each other's lives. History is something... we both have so much in common that we would never speak aloud to anyone else... it seems weird to not run from him.
3) How the hell can I be crazy over someone who has got to be at least 12 years my junior? I can only shake my head at myself, and hope I don't make stupid mistakes. I can't help myself, sometimes.
4) I'm trying to decide whether to get Kole a pet for Christmas or not. She really wants a puppy and I am adamantly against the idea. Her next best choice is a goldfish. How bad can it be? And still, I feel that I cannot be responsible for another living thing. I just can't be.
5) Kole's going to be a beautiful woman. She's a pretty girl, but I can see it sometimes... I can picture her as a teenager, and even see her in her thirties. Lucky for her. But, I want her to remain as beautiful inside, as she is right now. Sometimes it hurts my heart when I think about how much I love her, and see how fast she's growing up. There's no stopping it though.
6) I wrote once about a Joeuser reunion. Now, seeing all the new faces, I can't help but think how much shyer I'd be if there was one now. There's a lot of new faces, a lot of new groups. I wonder if I'd just hangout by the punchbowl on my own, or even be able to get up the nerve to just say 'hi' to somebody on my own?