I'll admit to something, but first, I also have to hastily add this; I've been thinking about it, but would never change what I currently have.
Since starting work, I've occasionally wondered what it would have been like if I made a different decision than to be a single parent. Sure, I'd think about it during those lonely late night feeding times, or when it was going to be difficult to make it to the end of the week without pawning off something dear to me to buy more diapers or formula. But I've never more consciously thought about where I would be now than at a job that really has no relation to what I was aiming to do in my past.
Where might I be if I had chosen to abort rather than keep? (After going though the experiences of an adopted child, I would never consider doing this myself... but I am grateful to my birthmother who thought it was the best thing to do at the time.)
I'd probably be finishing off my PHD in Native Studies with aims of being a proffessor in the next year. I would have been in school this whole time, working to make important strides in Native Child Welfare, but in the end, sitting at a desk marking papers on the current topic de jour, and waiting until my next sabbatical. I'm sure I would have enjoyed teaching, but I would have absolutely detested the office politics to make a go of it here in my 'hometown'. I'd probably be living in an altogether different province, raking in the coin, but not having much contact with my family and friends. Either that, or I'd have moved to another larger city to work at a shelter, or non-profit organization. Having experience in both areas, it wouldn't have been too difficult to find work, if I was ready to move to find it.
But if I remained in my hometown this whole time, I would have a hard time being sure that I would have found immediate employment, even without a kid. In fact, it might have been easier to find a bar job, or serving job, but I don't know what else would have been available, even with a degree. It hasn't done me much wonders here, after all. I've talked to other friends with degrees as well, and in this small town, everyone has one. The ones with steady employment are the ones that work two or three jobs in a variety of fields, not the odd lucky one who got hired right after the graduation ceremony. That's just a pipe dream, here.
I think the reason why it's been on my mind though, is because it's hard not to notice those at work who have kids at home; I'm one of the few single parents. And if you were to look at the stats of my work, it would probably show that there was a pretty even devision between those 'married with kids', and those that are 'singles with a social life'. I don't feel envious, as much as contemplative. I don't think that either group has it better, but each group has it different from me.
All I know is that I made my choice. And although there have been some hard times, it's been worthwhile... but I wouldn't be human without wondering what life would have been like if I didn't make the choices that I did, or let fate take it's course the way that it did. Either way, I've been pretty lucky to be where I am at today.