Blogging about personal relationships, for me, is just too damned depressing. Mostly because, I don't have a personal relationship with anyone, but feel the need to explore the reasons behind this sad state of affairs.
I can narrow it down to one thing... I have serious control issues. The second I feel like things are not going the way I determine them, I back off. Fast. (Yes, it's great that I know this about myself, but it still doesn't do me a whole lot of good.) These control issues are what motivates me to have crushes on people instead of relationships with people. These issues also make a certain type of person more attractive to me in one way, but feel completely unfullfilled in others.
I've always gone for that 'strong, silent type'. It's as if my unconscious being thinks that the quieter types are more worthy of my interest. Unfortunately, it really hasn't been true at all. It's sad to say, but most of the quiet people that I am drawn to, aren't quiet because they are deep thinkers, but just aren't thinking much at all. Believe me, I've given up time to try to find out what's behind that deep, brooding exterior, and have become disheartened to realize that this image is just one that I've projected onto someone undeservingly. Why? In general, I enjoy being around people who are good conversationalists. I think it's great when people can talk, because I am a person who enjoys listening to different perspectives. But, I think that I am also pretty leery of people who spill all, justlikethat. I am uncomfortable with people who feel comfortable telling their life story in public during a spur-of-the-moment meeting.
I guess, the strong silent type to me, represents someone who considers things before they speak. This ideal person who makes thoughtful choices in speech, therefore makes the same careful decisions in life. Maybe, because I wish I lived a more orderly lifestyle, I am drawn to someone who has that inner stability.
I don't even know where I am going with all of this. Not only am I a control freak, but now I am generally perplexed as to why I am drawn to someone who must be self-contained as well when it is one of the things I detest most about myself.
Maybe it's because it's safe, too? Or they represent a sort of responsibility that I do not yet possess? Shit. Now I am really depressed.