Any normal woman in her mid-thirties would not have this problem, I'm sure.
I'm messed up... as messed up as they come, anyway. Instead of using the phone and demanding a rehash, or walking over and at least acknowledging that what I sometimes say at night may well have some bearing during my days, I do nothing. I don't call, I don't even write about what's been bothering me, until now.
And really, what's been bothering me has bothered me so for decades, so I'll just bottle it all up soon, slap a brand new cork on a vintage bottle, then shove it back into that cool, dark place.
My sister thinks I'm crazy for liking him. And I am crazy, in that wash-rinse-repeat kinda way. I could be brave enough to call, and if he was attracted to me in that same way, I could, perhaps take those first steps towards something different, something new. But I know I'd fuck it all up with past history and my habit of neverforgettting, and then blow another relatively decent thing outta the water. Been there, done that.
Ah, I don't want to grow up old and bitter, but today's just bleak as all hell. I could point a finger and blame, blame, blame, but damnit, past is past, or at least, it should be. So, instead, I'll put on a happy face, and after I'm relieved of my babysitting duties, I'll bundle up Kole and go for a nice, long, walk downtown. I'll pack a flashlight and some spare change in my backpack, along with a few books, some paper and pens for the both of us. I've got my girl all trained for these moments. She doesn't mind spending hours in a coffee shop, while we draw, read and write. I'll drink hot coffee to sooth my soul and hide my wounds inbetween games of Go Fish and Snap.
A toast to the sadness of January, a month that usually has me writhing, while I try to quit smoking and drinking and eating fatty foods, hiding my sorrows and pains in anything that brings instant pleasure. While I come down from a land of living in excess, I'll either continue to wallow, or slowly light another cigarette, pour another beer, or order another Big Mac.
Pffft. Happy New Year, indeed.