communication breakdown, it drives me insane!
This is going to be a pretty personal post. I'm just trying to muddle through the past events of a couple of days, maybe writing about it will help. Then again, maybe it will just be me peeling off one more layer. Good thing I'm not including pictures.
So, in the past 24 hours I've come in contact with not one, not two, but three people from my personal past. It's really given me the opportunity to look back, and see how much I've grown, and declined in maturity.
I went to the gas station the other day, and of course, I saw my girl's father. I wrote an article about the whole experience, forget the title to link, so if you just gotta know, you go scrolling. It's not all that important, but it still bothers me. See, he works at the same station where I've been filling up for years. It's about 2 seconds away from my neice's (and girl's past) daycare. I never knew. He's changed a lot, physically, but, also, to be honest, unless an employee of a business makes genuine eye contact and conversation with me, I rarely notice them.
Anyhow, when we broke up, I ended up giving him more credit than he deserved. Whatever. I feel like a goofball for not knowing the real truth sooner, but so be it. But, when I saw him, I knew that he recognized my car, and me in it. He came up to serve me, did a complete about-face, and got another co-worker to serve me instead. I know he doesn't know that I know it's him. But, what pisses me off is that, he had to do some explaining to his co-worker about why he didn't want to serve me. I guess what bothers me is wondering just what the hell he says. I felt like telling the other guy to tell him that he's not the prize he thinks he is, but what's the point? I just gave a sunny grin to the other guy, and went on my merry way.
So, I checked my email the other day, and got a message from a girl in my past. I haven't seen her in ages, and it was nice to hear from her. She's moved out of the area and has a whole new life. I'm happy for her, and have no regrets and I'm glad to know that she doesn't either. The thing that got me going on that though, was just realizing how shitty I treated her before she moved. That I couldn't tell her what I felt, and that making that first approach in admitting how much she meant to me at the time seemed to be a feeling of weakness. That to actually tell someone they were needed was like admitting defeat.
And the same goes for this man that I went out with a long time ago. Before I knew either of them. When I was just beginning to grow up. To think about what I was searching for in a future partner, without even giving a second thought about what I could give to back to them.
Communication has always been the easiest and the hardest thing for me to do. I feel completely comfortable writing my feelings down on paper, or typing them out onto the computer. I think better when I write, and enjoy the opportunity to really go over my feelings while I write. Yet, the flipside is, I'm not the best person to deal with conversationally. I find it hard to admit my feelings to someone. I am a coward, plain and simple. I always thought it would get easier as I grew up, and in a lot of ways, it has.
But does it ever get to a point where you can feel completely 100% comfortable in expressing your true wishes, desires, wants and needs, thoughts, and feelings with someone else? I sure as hell don't know if it does, even now.