trying to crank it up again...
I haven't posted a blog for a long time. (Well, it's been since Thursday, but in JoeUser time it's been almost a year.) I've been floating around a bit, responding to a few things here and there, but my heart hasn't been in it. My mood has been very unstable. Not unstable in the 'I'm off to purchase a semi-automatic, see you by the highway' kind of unstable, just a lot of ups and downs. I'm making life hard for my family, for my daughter, and especially for myself. Why? Beats the hell out of me. I'm just going to throw this out there, but I think that it's because I am lonely. Feeling a bit left out.
See, the friends that I have go out, a lot. There's always something going on, stuff that I would love to do too, but of course, cannot. I usually manage to get out once a week or so, and that was fine in the past. But, now I just want to do some of the things that my friends have been doing, lately. There's a Sunday night euchre game that's going on, people get together to go to the movies, and some have started bowling. I've been playing pool a bit, but the problem is that all of these activities are done at night. That's no good for me. I know I am missing out on a lot of things that everyone else is doing, and I always feel like a heel declining, but I know they understand. Because a lot of them work in bars, there's always a lot of alcohol and other stuff floating around, and I don't want to get too comfortable with that, either.
Maybe my up and downs are also because I've been thinking about the last year. In a couple of days, I will turn 34. THIRTY-FOUR! Where did the time go? Reflection is good, but sometimes, it just leads you down a darker path. It makes me wonder about my decisions, about my choices made in the past. There's no going back, but right now, it seems hard to move forward. I feel like I just want to pack everything up and leave, for that better life in some distant place where everything works out right. I know that there is no place like that, but isn't that why so many people move to California? I'll do my best though, and make my life better here in Ontario... I think I just need a good kick in the ass to get going.