I'm tired.
I'm tired, and sad, and almost teary today, and have been so for most of the week. I've gotten some of the testing results from Kole's doctor who specializes in learning disabilities and I can't help but think that things have just changed here. While there was a lot of technical/medical jargon, I got the deep-down meaning. It's not going to be easy for anyone, and unfortunately, I simply haven't had enough time to assimilate it all.
She's happy, though. I've taken several days off work and have arranged as best I can to spend more time with her, even if it leaves me pale and heavy-lidded. We've had money issues though, which are certainly not helping matters any, and I'm simply exhausted, hungry, and scared. While I try to put up a good show during the day, it's only late at night when I feel this helpless. What the hell am I doing, trying to raise a kid, keep a job, and simply survive on my own? I don't think I'm doing that good of a job at it, honestly.
However, there's really no sense in wallowing. I can't afford (literally) to do what I want to do, which is to just curl up in a ball, turn off the lights, and withdraw from everything. Instead, I take comfort in her hugs and kisses, her shining eyes, and her carefree smile. She senses that there's something wrong, and is vaguely aware of what's happening. But she's like my own rock: it's as if she's supporting me in this time of worry. She's been so touchy, so cuddly, so affectionate lately. Neither of us want to be apart from each other. But now that it's my Monday, we have to be.
I'm on nights still, which makes it worse. I can only make it across town to see her for less than an hour a day. I can't take any time off work, and even if I could, it really wouldn't solve anything. It's not going to change things instantly, and she has to go to school, too. I'm thinking about trying to find a way to get more steady hours than this awkward shift-changing schedule, but I'm still up for consideration for an analyst job.
This is what it comes to... I start to blame myself for all the problems that we're having. There's no way but down, if I follow that path. The only thing that would make me feel better right now is a cheeseburger.
Some things don't change.