Sometimes I feel all girly, and pine over the boy at work. I blush (really) when he catches me looking at him, and I've yet to say more than two words to him, even though I can talk, and will talk to absolutely any one else there. I'm sure he knows of my crush, and thank god, he's never made mention of it. How pathetic would that be? To go over to a 35 year old woman and say 'excuse me ma'am, but come on... you're way too... much for me?"
I'm too old, too encumbered with responsibilities, and just too damned different to make anything work with this guy it seems, but it doesn't stop me from blushing.
So why don't I chose someone more my age, more my speed? Well, like many other small Ontario towns, statistics work against me. Simply put, the dating pool ain't that grand. And for single middle-aged parents, the dating pool becomes a dating puddle. Fabulous. And quite frankly, middle-aged single-guys scare me. Why are they still single? But it's not the fact that they are still single that scares me. Hey, I'm more than understanding of someone who can level with me and simply say that they are afraid of commitment. That they like their independence. I'm that way too, obviously. But two negatives don't make a positive outcome in this case, I'm afraid.
I have no answers here. I have no clue how to go about satisfying some sense of wanting or need. I'm too old to pick up in bars, too responsible to hit on guys at work, and too solitary when off-work and at home with my child. Most days, I feel absolutely grand to be on my own, to be single, and unconcerned about relationship matters. 90% of the time I'd swear up and down that I'd rather remain single forever, and just occasionally I want an intimacy that I do not have with another. I'm not talking just sex here, though that's a part of it. I'm mostly talking about the possibility of developing a friendship with a man that I respect, admire, and appreciate. I've got plenty of girlfriends, but haven't had a solid guy friend for a while. I miss that kind of companionship, that easy-going laid back relationship.
I still don't know what I'm looking for, but I realize that I am looking for something...."