just to hear myself talking...
After listening to more than a thousand people a week tell me about their current issues, sometimes I talk just to hear myself talking.
I strode into the bar last night, and aimed for a single bar stool. Kate brought me over a SPA, and I proceeded to light a cigarette and watch the olympics on the television over the bar. It was loud and smokey... just the way I like it. A little Otis on the record player, and only the hardcore drinkers out on a Sunday night.
One pint followed the other, and soon an old friend of mine drew another barstool beside me. I asked after her family, mutual friends, and the man she had been seeing. I hadn't seen her for awhile, and she laughed, almost ruefully. They were broken up, over, and she told me the tale. And while I don't want to go into details about her own lifestory, she pointed out that if there were a roomful of men, and only one of them was a true fuck-up, she'd draw a beeline for him immediately.
After a long pause, as if we were stunned into silence after such revealing clarity, I offered my own interpretation about the way I handle relationships: if he's unattainable, I'm in love.
She understood immediately, and we went off on how shitty we both were at relationships, and in other matters of self-control. It's funny how we know our own faults and bad habits but continue in the same manner, regardless of repeated negative results. It almost depressed me then, but it was kind of funny to hear it said aloud.
I often wonder why it's taking so long for me to grow up. Why do I make myself go through the same old motions, when I know that it's not going to get me anywhere different?